Tomorrow morning I am having a bone marrow biopsy. For whatever reason, I have been dreading this more than the other procedures. The idea of a large-bore needle going into a bone and sucking out the marrow just makes me crazy. I’m scared and I don’t want to do it.
I feel like a little kid sitting on the floor yelling “No! I don’t wanna!” I’m going to end up doing it anyway, so my “don’t wanna’s” are moot. My life right now is completely out of my control. Things are happening whether I want them to or not, whether I like them or not, whether I understand them or not. There’s no stopping, ducking, avoiding, changing or reframing any of it.
When we first got the probable diagnosis, we said “God is in control of this. It is in his hands”. And I do believe that. But knowing God is in control, and realizing that I have absolutely NO control, seem to be pretty different. I guess they are linked together, but it’s a lot easier to do the first than to become comfortable with the second.
I do believe God is in control. He is still holding my hand and saying “Don’t be afraid, I will help you”. But relaxing and releasing all control as everything goes faster and faster, and letting it all just come as it may – that’ is not quite so easy. I’ll try. But I still don’t want a bone marrow biopsy.