i never would have guessed

I’m learning a lot these last few weeks since life turned sideways.  I’m learning how real it is that I have no control at all over my life.  I’m finding that what I’ve said for a long time about everything being in God’s hands is much more true than I ever actually understood, and that in God’s hands is the very best place to be.

I’m realizing how many people there are that care about me.  Now, before you just pass over that as one of those lame, trite things people always say, I have to explain – even confess – about myself.  I have struggled with a very negative self-image all my life.  Due to bullying throughout school, I have spent my adult years trying to consciously fight the very strong belief that people just automatically did not like me.  It has made me tend to withdraw, not get as involved as I would want in groups, hold back in potential friendships.  I have spent the last year in some excellent Christian counseling working on this very subject.

So when I say that I am genuinely blessed and overwhelmed at the amount of love and support that has been given me, I mean it has been like Heaven just saying to me “You worked hard to get to a place where you believed and were able to see that you were liked and loved.  Now, look and really see it poured out on you!”

All the prayers, the notes, the FB messages, the texts, the call; the wonderful friend that sat with me during chemo; the best friends in the world who prayed with me the very first night and (among everything else) brought me a prayer shawl; Sam and I each hearing from friends we’d lost touch with; the closeness with my family, more phone calls, more texts, more messages… all of this has been so beautiful to me.  I have known from the beginning of this journey that it would be hard and frightening at times, but that God had reasons yet to be revealed.  I didn’t know that one of his reasons would be to bless me so much.

It is good to praise the LORD
and make music to your name, O Most High,
proclaiming your love in the morning
and your faithfulness at night,
to the music of the ten-stringed lyre
and the melody of the harp.

For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD;
I sing for joy at what your hands have done.
How great are your works, LORD,
how profound your thoughts!
Psalm 92:1-5

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