Yesterday was a really good day. So why was last night such a terrible night?
I woke up at 6:12 with the full-on headache again, maybe even worse. Two very bad things about that. First, the obvious, it hurts like heck. Secondly, it is very discouraging, because it had been steadily improving all day yesterday and I was extremely hopeful that it might be gone today or tomorrow, or at least at a much more tolerable level.
Last night I lost it. I haven’t done that much since this whole rollercoaster took off. I’ve had a time or two that I have cried in Sam’s arms for a few minutes, but overall, I have to say that I have had that “peace that is beyond human understanding” that the Bible talks about. The kind I know is from God because it sure doesn’t make any sense at all in my own head.
But last night, out of nowhere, suddenly “cancer” was like a piece that wouldn’t fit into the puzzle of my mind. It kept pushing and bumping and shoving, and my mind just wouldn’t accept it. That couldn’t be ME going to chemotherapy. That couldn’t be ME meeting with an oncologist. I can’t have cancer. It doesn’t make sense! And suddenly I was crying and just losing it. I called my poor, patient, amazingly supportive husband (it was 1:30 a.m. in his time zone) and immediately he was awake and helping talk me through it.
The amazing thing was when he had me calmed down, and I was letting him get back to sleep – right as I said goodbye, my phone beeped in another call. At nearly 1 a.m. This may be an everyday occurence for you, but I’m a couple of decades past the up-all-night crowd.
It turned out to be my son, driving home from a gig, looking for conversation to keep him awake. He saw that I was still signed in on the computer and so knew I was up. What amazing timing God has. So for the next hour we talked about everything. He has actually had more experience with cancer than I have, having gone through the death of his best friend’s father and now walking with another young friend battling his own cancer. We talked about marriage, divorce, music, television, kids… it was exactly what I needed. Thanks, God! And thanks Marky for calling, and for being a friend as well as a son.
And once again – out of the pain comes the joy, out of the difficult comes the good.