It has been a difficult few days. I’m definitely feeling the effects of the chemo, as predicted, and right on schedule. Yesterday was the worst. Today I’m doing better because Sam convinced me to take some of my pain meds. I don’t want to take pain meds unless I really have to, because I can’t take anything kind of moderate thanks to the liver problems. Moderate pain meds pretty much all contain acetaminophen, I guess. So what I have is stronger, and I don’t like to use it unless I can’t help it, which is where I am, I guess. So although I am still exhausted and feeling overall yucky, I am better today than yesterday.
I do have to admit, because I promised honesty in writing this blog, that after writing yesterday about how wonderful Sam was and what a fantastic job he does caring for me, I turned on him. As the day went on and I got more and more miserable, exhausted, tired of lying in bed, and unable to find any way to feel better, I got cranky, and my attitude tanked. I started to complain, first about how I felt, then about how bored I had been. Soon it turned to how Sam hadn’t spent enough time with me (after making a grocery list from recipes he searched out, shopping for groceries and my Valentine’s gift, putting away the groceries, making homemade split pea soup from scratch and cleaning the house.) I even spiraled down into “Why are you avoiding me?”
Proving my point from yesterday’s blog, that God prepared Sam for this time in my life and gave him to me as a gift of grace, his response was “I know you are feeling terrible and that is where all this is coming from. I’m sorry I can’t help make you feel better.”
Obviously I have since repented (it didn’t take long) and gotten my attitude back on track. I know that everything that hurts means that the chemo is working. I have decided to equate it with labor pains. It may hurt but it is pain that is for a purpose, it’s leading to something meaningful. The mouth sores, the bleeding nose, the sore throat, the stomach pains, the aching chest, the back pain, all of this tells me that cells are dying. And if cells are dying then cancer cells are dying. So die, cancer, die. Shrivel up, wither, die off cell by cell. Leave me alone, cancer, I never want to see you again. If I need something to be cranky at, it’s going to be you. You deserve it. My husband doesn’t.
So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.
Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.
Wives, understand and support your husbands by submitting to them in ways that honor the Master. Colossians 3:12-18