Today I met a woman whose son is deaf and autistic.  Her business partner has survived multiple melanoma for nine years so far.  Her attitude is positive and all about what she can take from her life, and how she can share it with others to help them.  Once again, I am amazed and humbled at what people endure and live with – and learn from and grow through.

Yet – since I am committed to being transparent and honest with this blog – yet, I have to admit that although I realize almost daily how truly blessed I am with my prognosis and treatment, and my second-to-none support system, I’m kind of cranky today.  I don’t have a really good reason.  A few little things – I am feeling a lot better than I was over the weekend, but still not all well.  I really wanted this few days of feeling good that I usually have before chemo, especially with this spring weather that is enough to make me want to open every window and go join the birds singing in the bushes.  But although I am not in misery anymore, I’m just not good.  And I want to feel good.  I want to enjoy this time.

Also, and this is so petty, but it’s true nonetheless, my wig is driving me crazy.  It itches and the bang part keeps getting in my face.  It isn’t soft like real hair, it pokes like little nylon threads, and it annoys me so much on days like this.

Just typing this out I feel ridiculous.  I have nothing to complain about and everything to be thankful for.  Sam has taken such tender and patient care of me the last few days – in spite of the stress of being out of work for the first time in his life.  I am halfway done with chemo and I have assurance that I can expect a cure.  I have comparatively little bad effects so far.

But I am being honest, and today, I’m wishing I didn’t have any pain at all – and that I had real hair.  Or a soft wig.

And a couple of good job offers for my husband would be just fine, as long as I’m wishing.

Trust in the Lord and do good; so you will live in the land, and enjoy security. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him. (Psalm 37:3-5, 7a)



3 thoughts on “wishing

  1. viv christopherson

    Don’t be too hard on yourself,Kim. We all have cranky days with far less reason for it than you have! Patience is a hard talent to find unless you’re looking it up in the dictionary but it will return. I spent almost 2 hours tonight shoveling snow & ice off my deck because there is water standing in puddles just outside the windows in the lower bedroom & I’m afraid it may start coming in. I’m trying to find patience with this long snowy winter & then realize I’m healthy eniugh to be able to shovel snow! You are in my thoughts & prayers a dozen times a day (Sam too) & I look forward to your posts. I hope when you are well again you’ll put all your writings into a book to give to others that are going through chemo, it would be so helpful.
    Love Ya, Viv

  2. Deanna & John

    If it is any consolation to you, Kim, that itchy wig really looks good on you! I saw a picture and thought. . . wow, that is really very pretty! It’s okay to be cranky. . . . tomorrow will be a better day. Tell Sam to keep the faith. . . he isn’t alone and hopefully, in no time, he will have a job again! God Bless! Deanna

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