Since I got the phone call right before Christmas telling me that I needed to see an oncologist, I’ve been sure that all of this has been for the glory of God. I’ve concentrated on trusting, on turning it over to him as many times a day as I need to, on learning everything I can from this experience. I know that God has been holding me and helping me, because the peace that I have had has been way beyond anything that could have come from within me.
But, I’m human. And for whatever reason, today, I cracked. I just lost sight of how blessed I am, that I have a very curable cancer, that I am relatively healthy without severe symptoms, and that God is so good to me. I just started crying and saying that I didn’t want to have cancer anymore. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I didn’t want to feel so exhausted and wiped out anymore.
In addition, I got scared. Yesterday, my oncologist started talking about radiation for the first time. I don’t know why it scared me so much. Maybe just because it was new, and I had gotten very comfortable with the idea of four rounds of chemo, then scans, then two more rounds of chemo, and I’m done.
Scans – that’s another thing. I had round four of chemo and now my scans are scheduled for next Monday. All along I have been just assuming that they will be clean. The doctor has been saying that she expects them to be clean. But now today I started thinking “What if they aren’t?” They might not be. During Friday’s visit she was talking about future treatment using words like “unless” and “except”, as in “unless the scan shows something”. I just hadn’t been thinking in those directions.
So – since the purpose of this blog is transparency – today I didn’t do so well. But I’m going to get back to the basics of what I know and believe, put my trust in Jesus and remember that he is holding my hand. I’m going to work on not being anxious for anything but praying about everything. But I’ll also remember that I am human, my body is under a lot of stress and so are my emotions, and I won’t beat myself up if I struggle from time to time. I’m pretty sure God understands that too.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)
Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. (Psalm 34:10b)
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. (Psalm 34:17)
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God. By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. (Psalm 42: 5,8)