I’ve been kind of a mess today. I’m blaming it on the meds. I’m very restless and can’t really relax. I keep crying at everything and nothing. I cried twice at Dancing With The Stars, and I don’t even care about who’s on it this season. It’s not like Donny Osmond is dancing or anything. I’m just watching for Sam, because some wrestler is dancing. (Ok, I know it’s Chris Jericho, but I’m too cool to know professional wrestlers, come on!)
I cried about my scans today. I cried when we got to the hospital and found out that my blood count was low (actually the lowest it has been yet) and I would have to get two more shots – even though this was basically a given. I cried when I found out my doctor was sick and I wouldn’t get to see her to hear about my results. I cried on the way home from the hospital because I miss my family.
I miss my family. I haven’t seen anyone (well, except Sam, of course – I live with him!) since Christmas. Going through all of this has made it even more clear how important these precious people are to me. Video chatting a few nights ago when everybody was at my parents’ house made me feel so distant from them all. The visceral need to put my arms around my children has been an ache inside me. The desire to be comforted by my mommy’s arms is almost as strong. My ears need the laughter of my grandchildren. I am a deeply family-oriented woman, separated from the ones I love. It’s a very frustrating, painful situation.
I have, by any possible account, an incredible family. In an age of dysfunction, divorce, desertion and disrepair, I somehow managed to come from a family that actually loves each other. I hear so many people talk about holidays and family events with dread and sarcasm. We honestly enjoy them. Really! Nobody gets drunk, fights or storms out in anger. Nobody even makes snarky comments. The worst that happens is that the twins and Jeremiah eat WAY too much sugar (which they usually get almost none of) and get very crazy. But good crazy, if you get me.
My parents have been married for over 50 years, and are still in love. My mom is universally described as “the nicest person I know”, and my dad is a good man – really, a good man. My oldest brother is one of the people I admire most in the world. He is kind, intelligent, and lives his faith better than anyone I know. My sister is one of my very best friends, and would be if we weren’t related. When I was going through some of the lowest points of my life, she literally called me every day, just to make sure I was ok, to say she loved me, to be there. She is so strong and has done things in her life I know I could never handle, and I look up to her. My youngest brother is brilliant, funny, a bit cynical, and wonderful. I am so blessed to be part of this family – and having cancer, realizing that life is finite and so uncertain, makes every day I’m away from them and from my wonderful children and grandchildren harder and harder.
I’m sure I’ll be better tomorrow. I won’t be crying all day. I’ll still miss my family – that’s not going to change. But I pray and hold onto God for strength – and the great thing is that the weaker I am, the stronger he is in me. So he must be really strong today.
But I still think it’s the meds…