Tomorrow is the big move. Our house doesn’t look at all like home anymore – just stacks of boxes. I guess it’s part of getting ready mentally too. If it doesn’t look so much like my home anymore, it’s easier mentally to let it go.
The hardest thing for me is that I am so sick. I didn’t go to work today, even though we need the hours so badly. I just don’t feel able to be up. I put some laundry in this morning (taking advantage one last time of my beautiful front loading machine before going to quarter-fed community washers) and just doing that exhausted me so much I couldn’t keep going. I know that there is so much to do, and my poor Sam has been going morning to night trying to pack and organize and make calls around his new job and its variable hours. I feel so guilty for being of so little help. And honestly, I feel so sick, I can’t even feel sad about leaving the house. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I know in my head I’m leaving tomorrow, and I kind of feel like I’m missing it, but I just don’t have the energy to say goodbye. If I had energy, it should go into helping get the last things ready to go.
It’s ironic. According to the scans, I’m in a very good place, cancer-wise. My doctor won’t say I’m free of cancer yet, but I’m as good as she could hope at this point. But I’ve never felt worse. And I’ve got chemo on Friday. It’s my last one, and I should be happy about that, but I’m dreading it, because I know it’s just going to make me feel worse yet. I feel like all my strength is gone. So I just have to hang on to the verses that have sustained me for all of these months. God is my portion and my strength.
I begged the Lord three times to take this problem away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.” So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can live in me. For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong. 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:1-2
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and do not forget all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. Psalm 103:2-5