I slept all afternoon today. I feel a little better, but I’m a little concerned too. I’m pretty achy and my joints hurt quite a bit. I don’t want to use the “F” word (which for me is “fibromyalgia”, not the one other people use) because it’s been good for so long, but achey+ joint pain+ exhausted= not good. Also my silly big toe has decided that it isn’t quite done acting up, and the staph infection is back. Not as bad as it once was, but enough that I’m back on the antibiotics – a 3 week dose this time! And enough that I am back in open-toed flat shoes again – which boils down to one pair of shoes. Boring! I have shelves of shoes… I love shoes… to be wearing the same pair day after day hurts worse than the toe itself.
Yesterday I got a text that made me cry, right in a sandwich shop. Six words, that’s all. I had sent Courtney a text a bit earlier saying “How’s the hooping?” She is very into hula hooping right now – apparently it is a rising fad again, and she is getting very good with tricks and so forth. I got the incoming text signal on my phone and saw “It’s great. I miss you Mom” Now, my Courtney is not especially demonstrative. She is a too-er. “I love you too.” “I miss you too.” And since I have been missing her especially this past week since my visit home, to have this come from her touched me so much.
My hair is about 1/2 inch long now, and I have teeny-tiny baby eyelashes that are kind of visible if I put mascara on them. I’m excited. I am going to eventually look normal again, although I can see that the hair is going to take a very long time. I confess I am really tired of the wig. I would love to be done with it. But my real hair right now looks kind of like I’m in the Marines, so… a while longer, I think.
I read something that I thought was just fantastic. I loved this: The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you. Habakkuk had it right: “The person who believes God, is set right by God—and that’s the real life. Galatians 3:11 MSG
I just kept going back to that, over and over, for the past couple of weeks. All my life I have felt I should be doing more for God, that I needed to make sure he was happy with me. That sentence – “Doing things FOR God is the opposite of entering into what GOD does for you” is just so incredible. I really can’t do both. I can either trust in my own ideas, works, strength, control… or I can enter totally into God’s plan and God’s way – and just follow what he has for me, day by day, step by step. That is often the harder thing to do, because I want to be in control. But at the same time, there is an amazing peace to just letting go of everything and resting, knowing it’s in God’s hands and not in mine.