I’m back from my little break – thank you all of you who responded to my not-so-subtle plea for responses and comments! I can’t tell you how much they are appreciated. Feeling like this blog is a dialog rather than a rant is really important to me, and very helpful to me as I sit down to write again.
I have been doing some internet researching, and I believe that what I thought several days ago was fibromyalgia acting up again is not. It has been acting differently than fibro usually does, focusing primarily in the joints, and a lot of pain in my feet, which is very unusual. It has stayed very steady for a few weeks now, so I started checking online and found that many people who had the chemo regimen that I underwent developed joint pain several weeks after finishing. The descriptions they posted sound exactly like what I am feeling.
Strangely enough, it actually helps to know what it is. I know that it is going to be like this for a while and probably won’t change, so I’m not frustrated that it isn’t getting better – when I thought it was fibro I kept watching for improvement that wasn’t happening. I know what is causing the pain and why, and that it is part of the price of living through the cancer. It doesn’t make it hurt less but it makes it easier to live with.
I have to say, I have just been in a place lately where I read Scriptures that I have known all my life, but they sound so different. They make so much sense – really talking about life, right now, my life, today. They are so relevant and so meaningful that I just want to call somebody and say “Listen to this – this is amazing!” I think it is very much related to moving out of the whole “living to try to please God” thing and into “living knowing that God loves me and is pleased with me because of what Jesus did”. What a difference. I’ve spent most of my life trying to make God happy, or keep him from being angry or disappointed. And yes, I do still very much want to please him, but not because I’m afraid he’ll love me less – just because I love him and want to make him happy! I’ve finally got a handle on the truth that God loves me 100% every minute of every day, no matter what I do or don’t do. I can’t affect it. I can’t change it. I am completely accepted, deeply loved, absolutely wanted – not because of me but because of who he is and what he did. WOW! I love it and I will spend the rest of my life wrapping my mind around it.
Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing. Ephesians 2:7-10 msg
By faith we have been made acceptable to God. And now, because of our Lord Jesus Christ, we live at peace with God. Christ has also introduced us to God’s undeserved kindness on which we take our stand. So we are happy, as we look forward to sharing in the glory of God. Rom 5:1-2 CEV