Yesterday a very cool thing happened at church. I was able to talk to a woman with breast cancer who was not only just about to start chemo, but also facing a double mastectomy. I got to hear how scared she was and tell her how scared I had been too, and how good God had been. I got to pray with her and hug her as she cried. I got to say the things that I wished I had said to the lady at Five Guys a few days ago, and because I had been thinking about what I wished I had told her, it was right there in my mind to share with this sweet sister.
I think this may be a way God is going to use me. Nothing I asked for or looked for, but one of those things that just comes to us. Someone said to me the other day “You know Kim, your hair is your ministry now”. I think I responded by saying something like “I have a few different ones”, which on reflection sounds pretty arrogant, but that wasn’t what I meant at all. I just wasn’t really thinking of my hair (or lack thereof) as my main focus of ministry. But it does seem that God is pointing me that way.
I thought I was supposed to be teaching. It’s something I love and miss doing. Maybe I am, but I tossed out an invitation for a Bible study and it didn’t seem like there was a lot of interest. Maybe that wasn’t the right concept, a study at my house. Or maybe I’m just being impatient. I admit that I get frustrated sometimes trying to figure out what God wants. I’d love a pillar of fire or smoke to follow sometimes. Or a burning bush.
But then again, I have the written Word, and I have a hard enough time following that. Little stuff like Ephesians 4:9 – “Don’t say anything that would hurt another person. Instead, speak only what is good so that you can give help wherever it is needed. That way, what you say will help those who hear you.” Or I Thessalonians 5:16-18 – “Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.”
Yeah. Well. Not always doing so well on that “cheerful all the time” part. Or the “speaking only what is good” thing. Or for that matter, the “thanking God no matter what happens”, haven’t really gotten that one down either. The fact of the matter is, lately I’ve been having a pretty rough time with some things, and I’ve been kind of down. Some things I can talk about – like the fact that I’m alone a lot more than I’m used to and, hey, I’m lonelier than I expected, or the post-chemo let-down that I didn’t know about but my doctor says is very normal. Some things I can’t, they are more private, but they are there nonetheless. I do my best not to let it show, but then I’m not being the real me either. And life’s too short to go around being fake.
So, what’s the answer? I can’t say I absolutely know. My best thought is to share my bad feelings with someone who cares, as much as is possible. Ones that really can’t be talked about with people can always be talked about with God. (He knows them anyway, I’m not fooling him if I try to act all churchy and hide them.) And then do like David always did in the Psalms when he was having a hissy fit. He would rant and rave, and even yell at God – but at the end, he would always come back talking about to God’s goodness, his faithfulness, his character. It’s a matter of focus. The situation, or the Savior.