fair, but not great

Well, here I am on my butt in bed again.  I am frustrated and discouraged.  I’ve been dealing with the chemo-related joint pain fairly well.  It’s been pretty constant and has required some kind of medication almost daily, ranging from ibuprofen to Ultram up to Vicoden depending on severity.  But I’ve been able to maintain my normal life and not really let on too much that I was having that much trouble.

However, a few days ago we took Michelle to the Iowa State Fair.  We spent the day walking up and down the hundreds of acres that comprise the fairgrounds, looking at all the exhibits, animals, people, and food on sticks.  Everything from twinkies and candy bars to fried pickles, bacon and salad.  Yes, salad on a stick.  And all seemed well at the time.  Although I was tired by the end of the day, and my joints certainly hurt, I was no worse off than I had been.  Or so I thought.

A day later I woke up to my first serious fibromyalgia flareup in about a year.  I had been doing so well with it that we had been daring to hope that it had gone away.   The combination of the fibro and the joint pain has put me right into bed.  I’ve been going to work for three hours or so a day but otherwise down for the last few days.

I’m disappointed that I am missing out on being able to do the things with Michelle that I expected and wanted to.  Right now she and Sam are out and I am in bed with my laptop.  Yesterday I had hoped to take her to a beach nearby but instead she laid on my bed and watched bad daytime TV with me.

I’m also really disappointed because my parents were planning to come for a visit.  They were supposed to arrive today, but I had to call and cancel.  They haven’t been to Omaha for quite a while and I was so excited, especially for them to be here while Michelle was here, since they haven’t seen each other for several years.  It is so sad to have to tell them I’m too sick.

Sometimes I feel like my body just betrays me.  I hate feeling like everyone has to worry about “will Kim be up to it?”  The one who cancels plans at the last minute because I’m not physically able.  The one who isn’t strong enough to do what everyone else has in mind.  The wet blanket.  I want to take dance lessons, and go on hikes, and bike rides, and do fun, active things.  I want to go into large stores without my husband encouraging me to get a riding cart.  I want to go to a mall without having to take breaks to sit.

I want a lot of things but, guess what?  Like the Stones said, you can’t always get what you want.  But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.  Or in other words, My God shall supply all my needs, according to His riches in glory.  I will never have everything I want, but I will always have what I need.  I have God’s spirit with me to strengthen me when I am down and discouraged, and his word to speak to me and teach and guide me.  I have friends who love me no matter what my limitations and a husband who will do anything for me.  I have the ability to pray no matter where I am or how I feel and know that I’m in the presence of the Almighty God, Creator of the Universe, who loves me and cares about me.  I have peace and joy if I choose them.  I have what I need.

And my God will liberally supply (fill to the full) your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:19 Amp

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