spiraling

I’ve been fighting a headache for a good week now.  It’s been up and down.  Today was way up.  Also, the last few days have been a little preview of the fact that yep, it’s coming up on fibro season, as my legs have not been at all happy.  And, as long as we’re talking about it, the joint pain from the chemo is not getting better and I’m starting to wonder if it ever will.

It makes me want to just sit down like a little kid and cry “I don’t feel good” until somebody makes me feel better.  It also makes me start to think about all the other stuff that’s not so good. Like-  I hardly ever get to see my adorable grandsons.  I have to learn about lost teeth and trips to the pumpkin farm on Facebook.  I don’t get nearly as many phone calls from my kids as I would like.  I’m hundreds of miles from the rest of my family.  My husband lost his job several months ago, and the one he got is not exactly what either of us would have chosen.  Our life has had to change significantly, including selling our house and moving to an apartment.   The economy did a real number on us overall.

I can spiral down pretty fast once I get started.  Physical pain can do that to me.  Emotional pain can, too.  I know that is why God has emphasized to me so often that I’m not in this alone.  That I don’t have to face any of this by myself.  Don’t have to??  That I should not face any of this by myself.  It’s when I do that I go into the negative spin.  Because the truth is, I have so many things to be thankful for and rejoice about that I can’t possibly list them here.

First and most important, God loves me.  That isn’t a trite, Sunday school answer.  That is the single most important statement in the universe.  Without this, nothing else has any true meaning.  With it, nothing else has any real ability to hurt me.   I am precious to and cherished by the one true God, Creator of the universe, powerful over all.  (Pssssttt – so are you…)

I have the unconditional and unwavering love of the most wonderful man I have ever known.  I have an amazing family, who may be miles away but who love me and whom I am blessed to be part of.  I have talented, strong, intelligent children who are busy with their lives.  I would love to hear from them more – but, hey, they aren’t living on my couch doing nothing.  And – they are alive.  I read a Facebook status just today about a friend whose child died.  WHAT do I have to complain about??

As far as pain – I beat cancer.  I’m alive to serve God as long as he wants me here. I have all my body parts, nothing had to be cut out or off.  I can walk on my own power, eat normal food, function basically as I did before.  Maybe the pain is to help me focus and remember that God is my strength.  Maybe it’s just because this is a fallen world. I don’t know.  But I know this.  It may get me down from time to time.  But it will NOT keep me down.  I may not be strong enough, but God is.  God who conquered death and the grave can deal with a headache.  And his grace is sufficient for me.

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One thought on “spiraling

  1. My dear Kim,
    You encourage me and enspire me to lean more on God than myself. I am glad you are blogging and you do it so well. As I am writing this I just had a “God” thought! Are you still in Bible Study? Long story short I was in the Ester study
    and dropped out for many reasons anyway I still want to do the study and was wondering if you would want to do it with me? I can get Beth ‘s talks on line! Think about it and let me know. Please do NOT feel that you have to do this if you time is limited and you are not feeling well I SO understand. Hang in there girlfriend this season is not forever! What is forever is the wonderful amazing Heaven that is waiting for us!

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