thoughts that go bump in the fog
My beloved husband has been reminding me that I am neglecting my blog and you wonderful people who actually take the time to read it. This is true. It’s not that I don’t love writing, or that I don’t enjoy this blog, or even that I’ve run out of things to say. (Ask Sam – never gonna happen.)
But for a while now, I’ve been going through kind of a down time mentally. I’ve been in a mild fibro flareup – nothing bad, no cane (for those of you who know me), I’m walking upright and haven’t missed any time at work. But fibro has many aspects besides pain, one being that it messes with the ability to think sharply. Fibro people call it brain fog, and it’s a very descriptive term. It’s like trying to see your thoughts in the fog instead of in clear daylight – and the thoughts just bump around into each other.
Last week I forgot my Kindle at work (in the bathroom, no less) and thought it was gone forever – but thanks to an amazing and honest cleaning woman, got it back. The very next day, I microwaved my iPhone. Yep. I have this nice little heat pack that I use on my neck which gets warmed in the microwave. I put it in and 1 minute 40 seconds later, opened the door to see my iPhone sitting right there on top of it. Quite dead. Fried, even. Amazingly, the microwave still works and the kitchen didn’t start on fire.
So, even though I keep having ideas that have, attached to them, the additional thought, “I should write about this in my blog!”, somehow they’re getting lost in the fog. I need to write them down. Or tell them to Siri. That’s what I have an iPhone for, right? (I did get it replaced.)
I also seem to be just kind of struggling lately. I’m just, I guess you’d have to say tired. My faith isn’t any different – I believe everything I ever have and that will never change, but I’m finding it hard to feel the enthusiasm. I’m not sure if this is physical, or a dry spell, or something wrong in my life I need to find and work on.
But – and this is a big but (wink) – that’s the fantastic thing about Jesus. He is there when you feel so full of joy that you can’t believe your feet are still touching the ground, when you want to sing at the top of your lungs and throw your hands as high as you can. He’s still there when you’re hurting so much you can hardly think about getting through the next hour, much less the next day. And he’s just as much there when you don’t feel much of anything. Because he’s reality – not a feeling. My feelings could be (with thanks to Mr. Dickens), “just a bit of undigested potato”. I change with the temperature and how hard a day I had at work, and whether or not I talked to my kids, and what’s for dinner. Jesus never changes. Never. That’s why his name is I AM. He never “was”, he never “will be”. He always is.
And I am so incredibly glad that my relationship with him and my standing with God don’t depend on how I feel, or what I do; whether I feel like spending a lot of time praying today or barely bless my lunch, or if I spend hours studying the Word or forget to open it. Obviously there are choices that will make me spiritually stronger, help me know God better, help me understand him and his will for my life, and let me develop into a more mature Christian. I am not trying in any way to say these aren’t important, because they are – very much so. What I am saying is doing them or anything else can’t make me any more loved, wanted, forgiven, chosen, called, adopted or free than I already am. Thank God!
Jesus Christ never changes! He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Hebrews 13:8 CEV