I told you previously that I had been told three times that I was in remission.
I returned to writing this blog two days ago.
Ironically, I learned that I am no longer in that third remission – yesterday.
This is an exercise in trust in God that I’m not sure I’m prepared for. I read over some of the entries in my original blog and thought “Where did that come from?” Those thoughts, those ideas, they weren’t mine. Not all of them, anyway, And whatever it was that happened, when I faced the first diagnosis, the total peace and assurance that God was in control and this was all for His glory – it wasn’t there the next time. I wanted it. I prayed for it, and I begged for it. I cried over it and I sulked over it. But what I needed to understand was that it was a gift, for that specific time. I finally sat down with a trusted friend, who told me “It might just be that God knows that some people won’t be able to relate to your easy peace. It might mean more to them to know that you struggled.” I heard him. And I did say from the beginning that I was going to be bottom-line honest with this blog. I just didn’t have to like it.
So, I am scared, once again. And I am facing a truth that I had been in denial over – this isn’t going away. I might make it into remission again, and even again. But there are no guarantees, and apart from God working a miracle, the end could be much closer than I had thought.
So, where do i go from here? There are only two real choices. I can worry and make myself crazy, look up everything i can find about primary ophthalmic lymphoma (not a good idea, by the way), or I can make a clear choice to trust God with my life. A real choice, like I have been claiming to do and trying to do for a long time – but now stuff’s gotten real. My life is truly in his hands. And Sam’s too. And I have to tell you, going back to that brutal honesty thing again, that right now I feel a whole lot more like crying than like singing or praising God or giving thanks. But those are the instructions – and it doesn’t work to go by our feelings, now does it? So going back to something I started this whole journey off with:
Philippians 4:16 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
That’s pretty self-explanatory. Don’t be anxious about ANYTHING. Easier said than done, but I’ll do my best. Oh, wait, my best isn’t good enough. In fact, I seem to remember it’s called garbage, refuse, even dung, So then what am I supposed to do?
When I finally realize that I truly can’t do anything that pleases God, that is the very beginning of understanding grace. And believe me, i am just at that very beginning. Just trying to wrap my mind around it, after all the years of feeling not-good-enough, feeling less-than, feeling like if I didn’t try my hardest I would be disappointing God. And all this time, he has just been waiting patiently for me to accept what he has done for me. Period. Am I the only one who gets completely dazzled by that?
Galatians 3:12 msg The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you.
OK – stop. Read that again. “Doing things FOR God is the opposite of entering into what God does FOR YOU”
That’s about enough for today. I’m going to ask for your prayers, for me and for Sam. I didn’t expect to be back here, and certainly not when he was going through this himself. My heart hurts for him – but he is handling it so well. I have much to learn from him.