A very dear friend said to me today something like this: (I wish I could quote her exactly) “You just have your beautiful world and your beautiful cancer and God is doing all this so you can bless him. Well, I just don’t believe it.”
I understand. She’s angry at the idea that something so difficult and frightening as cancer can be talked about “lightly” as glorifying God, as a way for me to learn and be blessed. She thinks that God should treat me better. I have to love her for that, even while I disagree.
I want to be careful not to be glib or clichéd with my responses to her. I do truly believe that God will be glorified in this situation, and already has been. I absolutely know that I have learned and grown. I don’t believe that God gave me cancer. I think that disease and death and evil are part of a fallen world, not the world God created in the first place. But he had to allow for the possibility of that fall to allow for the possibility to choose to love him – and for him to show his incredible love to us.
I could find things to complain about if I started looking. Honestly, I still have the pounding headache from last night. I’m not enjoying it much. I also had a very challenging, well… let’s say discussion, with a person from my past which is still affecting my thinking somewhat. Sam has a commitment for the second evening in a row, and although he is the absolute best, most committed, most supportive husband that anyone could ever want, right now I wish I wasn’t alone.
But the fact is, I’m not alone. I have friends and family at the touch of a touch pad. I just spent an absolutely hysterical and cyber-kiss-filled half hour video chatting with my grandsons. And God gave me the most amazing promise, right at the beginning of this journey – it’s Isaiah 41:13 and it says: I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand and say to you, ‘Don’t be afraid; I will help you’.
And when I walk into that chemo room in two more Fridays, I will be surrounded by people who are there to try to get another good two, or three, or ten years. I will have five more sessions and I will be cured. Cured. I don’t have anything to complain about. I have only praise.
I appreciate so much all the prayers and please keep them going, I need them and will need them more as chemo gets more difficult. But – here comes Kim being blunt- I’m not dying, so let’s cheer up and have some fun. Leave me some comments about the content of the blog – did it remind you of anything you can relate to? Doesn’t need to be about cancer at all! Do you want to comment on something specific that I said? Make a joke or two? (Really, it’s ok!!!)
Like the title said, I just wanna celebrate.