last day in the happy yellow house

Tomorrow is the big  move.  Our house doesn’t look at all like home anymore – just stacks of boxes.  I guess it’s part of getting ready mentally too.  If it doesn’t look so much like my home anymore, it’s easier mentally to let it go.

The hardest thing for me is that I am so sick.  I didn’t go to work today, even though we need the hours so badly.  I just don’t feel able to be up.  I put some laundry in this morning (taking advantage one last time of my beautiful front loading machine before going to quarter-fed community washers) and just doing that exhausted me so much I couldn’t keep going.  I know that there is so much to do, and my poor Sam has been going morning to night trying to pack and organize and make calls around his new job and its variable hours.  I feel so guilty for being of so little help.  And honestly, I feel so sick, I can’t even feel sad about leaving the house.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  I know in my head I’m leaving tomorrow, and I kind of feel like I’m missing it, but I just don’t have the energy to say goodbye.  If I had energy, it should go into helping get the last things ready to go.

It’s ironic.  According to the scans, I’m in a very good place, cancer-wise.  My doctor won’t say I’m free of cancer yet, but I’m as good as she could hope at this point.  But I’ve never felt worse.  And I’ve got chemo on Friday.  It’s my last one, and I should be happy about that, but I’m dreading it, because I know it’s just going to make me feel worse yet.  I feel like all my strength is gone.  So I just have to hang on to the verses that have sustained me for all of these months.  God is my portion and my strength.

I begged the Lord three times to take this problem away from me.   But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.” So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can live in me.   For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong.  2 Corinthians 12:8-10

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:13

For I am the LORD your God  who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.   Isaiah 41:13

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.   Psalm 62:1-2

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and do not forget all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.   Psalm 103:2-5

snow day

It’s late on a very cold, snowy, windy night.   I have already called out from work tomorrow, as the wind chill is supposed to be in the double digits below zero, schools are all closed, more snow is expected, and it just doesn’t seem like a good idea for me to be out in all of this.  If I get too cold I could go into a fibromyalgia flareup, and with the next round of chemotherapy only a couple of days away, that wouldn’t be good.

So tomorrow will be a stay-home-and-rest day, which I need pretty badly anyway.  I’ve been really exhausted for the last few days – the kind of exhausted where I fall asleep in the middle of texting my sister and somehow send her a completely incoherent text that says something like “I just got home frrrrrosnffoanfg.”

Strangely and sadly, I have recently found out that a good friend has a brain tumor.  It’s benign, thank God, but still needs surgery.  Once again, I think how easy I have it – I can’t imagine having someone doing surgery on my brain, on a tumor sitting perilously near the optic nerve and two arteries.  But he has a great attitude and is always cheerful and positive.  I’ll keep him in my prayers along with the many others who have so much to deal with – like my sweet niece’s college-aged friend who was just diagnosed with stage four cancer.

Tomorrow, all I’m going to deal with is some hot chocolate, what’s on the DVR, some reading, some writing, and maybe a nap.  Right now I don’t think I have it so bad at all.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. (Psalm 46:1-3)

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)

hitting the wall

I had my first video chat with my grandsons last night.  It was almost like being right there – all the laughing, and talking over each other, and pushing each other out of the way to get to talk to Nana, all the silliness and fun and noise.  I can’t remember when I’ve had so much fun sitting in front of a laptop.

The boys (7-year-old twins and a 5-year-old, all brilliant, funny, amazing dudes) made all their best goofy faces to make me laugh.  They told me what they were doing in school.  I got to see games they were playing, and hear an excellent recitation of a poem about a snowman whose nose was eaten by a bunny.   They made my heart melt with dozens of cyber-kisses and hugs at the screen.

Then they wanted to see my house. ( They’ve never been all the way to Nebraska, it’s a lot easier for me to hop on a plane or Papa Sam and I to jump on I-80 than for all three little energy balls to make the drive all the way from Wisconsin.)  So I picked up the laptop and gave them a tour.  It was so much fun showing them my house and hearing their comments and questions.

Interestingly, the thing they were most curious about was the refrigerator and it’s contents.  “What’s the round thing between the milk and the apple juice, Nana?”  “That’s grated parmesan cheese, for on spaghetti”.   “And are those noodles on the next shelf?”  “Yes, those noodles ARE the spaghetti, and the container under it is sauce.”  “WOW, just like at our house!”  I’m not sure what they thought that Nanas in Nebraska ate, but they seemed pretty amazed that it was normal food.

All too soon my energy drained and I hit the wall.  I was watching them take turns using an app that distorted their faces in the video in all sorts of funny ways, and suddenly I couldn’t laugh any more.  I had to ask to talk to Daddy, and tell my son thank you so much, but I was done.

Today I left the office early because this headache still hasn’t let up, and I couldn’t really think to do my work.  Once again, I had hit the wall.  My heart was willing but my body was saying “stop!!”

I’m not quite sure how to deal with this – when I want to do something good,  but my body just won’t cooperate.  Do I push, even if it might make the exhaustion worse later?  Do I give in and just not do things I want or especially, I need to do?  Is there another way to handle it?

I’m open for advice here…

The LORD gives strength
to those who are weary.

Even young people get tired, 
then stumble and fall.

But those who trust the LORD 
will find new strength.

They will be strong like eagles 
soaring upward on wings;
they will walk and run without getting tired.

Isaiah 40:28-31